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By Macho Cabrera Estévez
My
abuela is 102. If she dies before my next trip to Cuba, I will
never be able to go back to Cuba
again. Legally. When I was 12, my sister-in-law taught me that “hate” was
a strong word; that I should use “dislike” instead.
I hate the Cuban embargo. I hate Bush. The embargo has taken
away any connections that I could have to feeling Cuban. The
embargo has split my family apart. I’ve gone to Cuba 5
times: when I was 3, 5, 22, 26, and 27. I am not sure how old
I will be when I go the next time; if I am “allowed” to
go a next time.
Cuándo salí de cuba
Dejé mi vida dejé mi amor.
Cuando salí de cuba
Dejé enterrado mi corazón
Dejé enterrado mi corazón
I think I left
my heart in Cuba before I even had one. It’s the same
story across borders for children of immigrants. Not feeling any belonging
in the country where you live and the country that your family is from. Ilvan
Stevens called it living on the hyphen. But I always… disliked… the
term Cuban-American. Especially after I realized how truly messed up the U.S.
government is. After I realized that every downfall in developing countries
is due to the U.S. After I realized that I didn’t want to be american.
But I am. I grew up on "Sesame Street" and peanut butter and jelly.
I have a phone land line, cell phone, work phone, fax number. I go out to dinner
with friends. I dress american. I speak Brooklyn. I have an american passport
that says I was born here. But I don’t want to be american and I don’t
want to leave the only place that I can call “home.” So, I
coined a term for myself: Cuban-Unamerican. I have nothing to do with the
U.S. government
except that I am made to pay taxes.
On May
7th, 2004, Bush declared that he has a plan to bring democracy
to Cuba. (Does that mean McDonalds?)
One of the ways that he is doing this is to put pressure
on the Cuban government by not allowing Cubans living in the
U.S.
to
travel once a year as in the past. Now we are allowed to
travel once every three years. Cubans can only travel to see
their
parents, grandparents, siblings, grandchildren, children and
spouses.
The other family doesn’t count.
So,
if my abuela dies before I go to Cuba, I won’t be able to see my tía Rosa, my mother’s
only sister living there. I won’t be able to see any of
my 70 first cousins, hundreds of second cousins, my two uncles
on my father’s side, and my godchild. They don’t
count even though a bulk of them have been an influential part
of my life; even though my second cousin Armandito is more like
a brother than my own brothers in Florida. He doesn’t
count. I hate the embargo.
When
I was little, we weren’t
allowed to call Cuba from within the U.S., so we called through
Canada. For $40, my mother talked to her sister for 5 minutes
to make sure everything was ok. When communication restrictions
were lifted, we called every month for 10 minutes. How am
I supposed to get to know my family in monthly ten-minute
conversations?
My brother, Enrique, grew up in Cuba, and we learned about
each
other through letters. It would take 30 days for a letter
to arrive to Cuba and 30 days for a letter to arrive from
Cuba.
It takes 5 days for a letter from the U.S. to get to Japan.
Cuba is 90 miles away from Florida. Japan is 5,478 air miles
away
from L.A. I hate the embargo.
There’s this myth that all Cubans
are Republicans. Did you know that only eight percent of Cubans
in Miami vote? Someone told me that that may be a good thing.
I growled. Seventy-seven percent of Cubans in Miami have family
in Cuba. Bush thought that he would win the Cuban vote in Florida
by passing the Commission for Assistance to a Free Cuba. He was
wrong. There have been numerous protests around his policy in
Florida, especially in Miami. My father told me that he saw a
young Cuban woman passing out leaflets with information regarding
the new sanctions, and he started crying. We cry a lot, me and
my dad. But hey, we're emotional, and hate this damn thing. No
matter how many times my dad calls me "Madre Teresa," he
supports me and others who work against the system. Articles
are being written left and right by Cubans in the U.S. that oppose
these new sanctions. We won’t let the U.S. fuck with us.
So, to numb myself from this situation, I’ve been watching
too much Alias.
If
the U.S. government decides to take Fidel out forcefully,
Cubans will put up a fight. I won’t
be able to stay here. So, I’ve been daydreaming about running,
learning kung fu, learning how to shoot guns. I will be like
Sydney Bristow; no, I think she’s fierce but she works
for the CIA. I will be like Ana Espinosa, the Cuban and Russian
spy, who only lasted four episodes, but, of course, I will
last longer. I will sell everything and leave. I will call
my cousin
Pilito, who was head of security in Las Tunas, Cuba, and
tell him that I am coming. I will take the first plane to
Holguin.
They will see my passport when I land in Cuba and will take
me into questioning. I will not be scared. I will be there
to help.
Pilito will talk to them and will take me home. I will be
home to fight.
My father is here in Brooklyn from
Florida, where he moved in November 2003. Everyone in my family
is in Florida except for me and my family in Cuba. I am alone,
isolated. I never wanted to be so close to all my family my entire
life. I yearn to see my parents, my brothers, and my nieces,
but Florida is not the land for which I yearn; Cuba is.
Recently,
we were in my kitchen, and my father was over the stove making
Cuban-style bacalao. He
talked about how he doesn’t think the U.S. government will invade
Cuba. I told him they better not because I won’t be able
to stay here if they did. “Why?” he asked me. How
am I going to tell him exactly how I feel? He always teases me
that I want to save the planet; this is more complex than that.
This is me wanting to fight the U.S. with my people. But that
doesn’t even make sense to me sometimes coz I won’t
be fighting the U.S., I will be fighting guys like the ones with
whom I grew up. These men were told that the only way out was
to see the world through the army, protect a country that doesn’t
protect them, and kill other brown people because they are
the enemy. Still, have they realized that if they kill the
enemy--an
enemy that looks so much like them--that they might be killing
themselves? I told my dad that I would go to Cuba and be
with my people. We were both very quiet. I hate this damn
embargo.
I don’t have $65,000
to spare. Do you? That’s how much you'd be fined
if you are caught traveling illegally to Cuba. If the
sanctions don’t
change, I may not be able to wait until 2006.
Late y sigue latiendo
porque la tierra vida le da,
pero llegará un día
en que mi mano te alcanzará.
Cuando salí de Cuba,
dejé mi vida dejé mi amor.
Cuando salí de Cuba,
dejé enterrado mi corazón
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